Home » empowerment » After The Breakup: How To Get Yourself Back

Even as a professional life coach I still had my struggles after my husband left. We are all human, even when we have experience coaching other people. I want to help others avoid the pitfalls that can happen after a breakup. I hope this article helps someone else.

After The Breakup: How To Get Yourself Back

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A breakup is hard, even if you were wanting to separate too.

There is so much to consider after your partner or you walk out the door.

Sometimes the breakup is planned so you are not left in shock unprepared.

Regardless, no matter how it happens, there is a lot of extra time on your hands.

We can’t help but give up pieces of ourselves when joining with another person.

It may not be much but it can add up.

Don’t focus on how to get him back, focus on how to get back to yourself.

Mental Focus:

After the breakup how to get yourself back, sad faced woman looking at text on phone.

If you are still in contact with the ex, limit that contact severely.

Make sure your communication is not desperate and limited to necessary topics such as finances, children, pets, etc.

Keep things civil and have no expectations.

Disconnect from shared friends that were his first or no longer necessary in your life.

I am not saying to burn the bridge but you can put up a barrier.

There is no need to get friends in the middle of things or ask them to take sides.

You also want to avoid hearing rumors and gossip that holds you emotionally in the past.

Start a journal and put your thoughts, feelings, and emotions on paper.

Getting clarity helps the healing process and will get you over the hump much faster.

Create a sacred space and claim a non-stress area in your home.

Emotional Focus:

After the breakup how to get yourself back. Woman crossed legged meditating

Get out and do things you used to do before him.

Stop plotting revenge or how to get him back.

That serves no one and especially not YOU.

The less you focus on him the more energy you have to focus on yourself and those in your life who are there for you.

Stay away from the places you went as a couple.

It hurts after a break up because everywhere you go will remind you of him.

Especially if you were together a long time.

Find new stomping grounds!

Or reconnect with old places you enjoyed before he came into your world.

Don’t bargain with yourself emotionally.

Do not focus on his pros and cons.

You have to let go and move on.

Physical Focus:

After the breakup how to get yourself back. Woman in workout clothing.

Work out.

Not that I encourage anyone to look better for their ex, but let’s face it, it does feel good.

Get out of the office, get out of the house.

Fresh air, even if alone is important.

Rearrange or redecorate.

If your home was shared with him, you may have edited your design or decor to be something both of you enjoy.

If you always wanted frilly bedding, a girly bathroom, create it now.

Put a million stuffed bears on your bed if you want.

It’s all your space now.

Friends and Family Focus:

After the breakup how to get yourself back. Two women smiling side by side.

Do not expect all of your friends and family to be able to relate to what you are going through.

Not everyone will be comfortable with the topic of separation or divorce.

Even those who have been through it do not always know how to relate to your personal story.

In every breakup there are three sides.

His side, her side, and the reality of it all.

Everyone has their own story based on their own perspective.

Plus, no one really knows how hard you tried except you.

Spend more time with family visiting, helping out elders or playing with children.

Write letters to friends and family who do not live close just to catch up.

Reconnect with friends you haven’t seen in forever and plan a girls night out get togethers.

Go to your high school reunion for a change.

In Summary, After The Breakup:

After the breakup how to get yourself back. Close up of woman blowing a giant bubble.

We all let pieces of ourselves go when we are married or in a long-term relationship.

Maybe you used to be active in live theatre.

Perhaps you loved romcom’s and stopped watching them to fit in his favorite flicks.

He may have hated your best friend causing you to stop seeing her so often.

Whatever you set aside to make time for him in your life, or to make him happy, get it back.

If of course, it would make you happy to do so.

Better yet, try new hobbies and activities.

Now is the time!

You have more time for yourself to experience the world in a whole new way.

That isn’t a bad thing.


After the breakup how to get yourself back. Bare chested good looking muscular man

We are never given more than we can handle.

Everything truly does happen for a reason.


When a door closes, a window opens.

Cliche perhaps but I believe all these things to be true.

Other Relationship Articles You May Enjoy:

Why Did He Cheat? 

Why Did He Cheat? A Guide To Healing

Why I Deleted My Tinder Account.

Why I Deleted My Tinder Account

Please leave a comment below.

Do you have any ideas or thoughts you can share on how to get back to yourself after a breakup?

Did you find any good ideas in this article?

Have you ever lost a part of yourself in a relationship?

What would you tell a friend going through a breakup?

Who supported you when you had your relationship ended?

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  1. April 23, 2018 / 9:59 am

    I think this is so helpful to anyone who has had a breakup and is trying to make it alone and get past it. I am lucky I am not in that position but I know a lot of women who can use these tips and concepts

    • April 23, 2018 / 9:39 pm

      I am glad that you are not Melissa. Thank you for sharing with any of your friends that could benefit from it.

  2. Melanie
    April 23, 2018 / 12:35 pm

    My husband counsels and he suggests many of these things, as well. It is such a difficult time that really no one can prepare for completely! Your list is a great place to start with the rebuilding process that has to take place after such a trying time.

    • April 23, 2018 / 9:54 pm

      Thank you so much Melanie. Its wonderful to have validation from another who counsels! You are right though, no matter how we think it may be – until it happens it’s hard to prepare. That goes for anything in life. We can say how we think we may act in a given situation but we never know for sure.

  3. Dana Rodriguez
    April 23, 2018 / 1:59 pm

    I had no idea Joely! Big hugs to you! I know how hard it is as I have been through it myself.

    • April 23, 2018 / 9:55 pm

      Thank you Dana. Sorry you had to go through it in the past. It sucks but life does move forward and it gets so much easier and tons better! 🙂

  4. Reesa Lewandowski
    April 23, 2018 / 5:36 pm

    Best of luck to you as you are going through this! It sounds like you have some amazing ideas here!

    • April 23, 2018 / 9:56 pm

      Thank you so much Reesa. I appreciate that! These ideas sure are a great place to start for anyone going through it.

  5. April 23, 2018 / 6:05 pm

    After a break-up being around positive people always helps. I think also allowing yourself to be sad will help you process what happened. Doing things that bring you joy and happiness whether it is an art class or wine with some friends.

    • April 23, 2018 / 9:57 pm

      Indeed – we must allow ourselves to grieve. Without that step none of the moving forward tips work out. Grief is a real thing we must deal with and work through and mostly ALLOW to happen.

  6. April 23, 2018 / 8:42 pm

    After being married for nearly 15 years I honestly cannot imagine having to move back into a single life. Thankfully we are happily married but I can imagine this information would be so helpful for people to remember who they were before the relationship. Great article.

    • April 23, 2018 / 9:58 pm

      I am so glad you and your significant other are happy and in love. I was not married quite that long but close and yes it is very hard to get back into single life for sure. Things have changed a lot.

  7. April 23, 2018 / 8:55 pm

    Breakups can be a lot easier when they aren’t things that keep you remaining in touch. If the breakup was pure chaos, it is a lot easier to avoid speaking to the other person. If it was mutual or the relationship ended easily, it is a lot easier to want and try to still talk to them. Distractions are the best for newly single individuals wanting to avoid depression.

    • April 23, 2018 / 9:33 pm

      I agree there are relationships that end amicably and we want to stay in touch. Other times we have to for kids or other necessary reasons. When it was chaotic, abusive, or just plain terrible it is nice to remain contact free. You are so right! Distractions are everything!

  8. April 23, 2018 / 11:04 pm

    I was married to an alcoholic for a very long time (too long, really). It’s funny because I always thought life would be so much better when I left him, and in a lot of ways it was. Although it wasn’t quite the rainbows and puppies I’d imagined. I realized I had a lot of work to do on myself. Things like why did I pick someone like this? Rebuilding my self esteem. Even dorky things like what do regular people do on a Wednesday night. I was so used to living in dysfunction that I didn’t quite know how to be otherwise. Luckily, I found a great therapist and quite literally spent a year in his office. The best year I’ve ever spent. xx

    • April 24, 2018 / 6:40 pm

      Indeed I totally understand. We have to work on ourselves. When we stay in any kind of abusive, unfair, or negative relationship there is a reason why and we must work on that.
      Even when the relationship was not terrible or even bad it can be hard to find the ME again. I am so glad you found a great therapist and got back to YOU! I know exactly what you mean by the wondering of what regular people do on any given night! lol

  9. Shelley King
    April 24, 2018 / 8:50 am

    I could have used this about 4 years ago. I found a wonderful counselor and dealt with a lot over 2 years. I finally used those tools and became a better version of me. I got married a last month. I’m the happiest ever.

    • April 24, 2018 / 6:41 pm

      I am so glad you found you again and found a great guy to share your life with! I wish I had written this 4 years ago for you too!

  10. April 24, 2018 / 7:31 pm

    I’ve been married for 12 years and was dating my husband for four years prior to getting married. I can’t imagine a breakup now with social media involved because it is such a different experience when you are able to maintain your privacy. I also am not sure if I would be very good at giving that other person space too!

    • April 25, 2018 / 8:47 pm

      Heather things sure have changed. It’s totally different from even 10 years ago. I hope you never have to deal with any of it.

  11. April 24, 2018 / 7:41 pm

    I had always wondered how professional coaches, psychologists, and people who are expert in humanities would manage the case when it comes to them. It’s good to know that it’s normal to feel bad and we would all have to find ways to move on. Finding the right focus and surrounding yourself with positive people matter a lot.

    • April 25, 2018 / 8:48 pm

      Indeed Roch – everyone is human and experiences pain, grief, even the crazy thoughts and anger the same. I think the only difference really is how we process it all. Often professionals will turn to logic which has its good points but we all also must have the crazy thoughts, anger, resentment etc. It’s all part of the grieving process.

  12. April 24, 2018 / 8:18 pm

    Breakups are hard no doubt. This definitely seems like some good advice. There can definitely be some emotional ups and downs.

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