When healing through a tough time in life it is important to go through all the necessary stages. These stages are the same as the five stages of grief. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.
When you get to that last stage, acceptance, it is important to stop and take a look at the positive side of things.
Clearly, there are problems in my marriage since we are divorcing.
I have made a few Jabs at my estranged husband in other articles.
Granted I have kept it mostly tasteful but there have been a few Jabs.
Always do your best to keep it classy ladies.
Needless to say for my own healing process I’ve decided to share some of the positive things about my estranged one.
Healing Through Acceptance A Look At The Positive
Let’s face it we don’t fall in love with someone and marry them because they were always jerks.
Yet, sometimes they always were jerks but the starry eyes of love just refuse to see it.
You can’t sound bite a human being.
People are complex and the sum of their parts.
In every person, there are many good parts.
For the sake of healing, it is good to take stock and embrace those parts.
Only do this when you are at the acceptance stage, however.
Doing this too soon and solely focusing only on the positives could cause you to regret the separation.
Remember, there is a valid reason to be apart.
For the sake of healing, it’s about seeing all of him as that whole clearly.
Moreso the whole of the two of you as a couple.
Both the negative and the positives.
By doing this it helps you understand why you were ever with this person.
What the value of the relationship was.
It is a way to not feel foolish or regret the time you spent with them.
Self-blame is very common in a break-up from everything being your fault to wondering what the hell you were thinking being with them in the first place.
The most important thing when healing is getting yourself back.
Healing With Positive Thoughts:
The Positive Sides Of My Husband:
He always supported and encouraged me as a blogger.
One thing he did that was cute was he always gave me the most buttery pieces of popcorn.
Fixing things around the house and fixing things for my family was one of his positive qualities.
He absolutely loves animals and was very good to ours.
Dressing well and being a well-kept guy was a strong quality of his.
He enjoyed sci-fi and Marvel movies with me and we looked forward to our TV and movie nights.
Golf was an activity we mutually enjoyed very much.
He would often surprise me by bringing me my favorite coffee from a local coffee shop.
We created gorgeous DIY projects together.
There are a few ways in which my estranged husband was a really great guy.
He deserves some props where they are due.
No one is all bad or all good.
Yet, for all of the positives I listed above I can list just as many negatives, and I have!
Internally of course.
I am sure he could do the same about me.
Remember, relationships are about perspective.
In every breakup there are three sides.
His side, her side, and the truth.
Recently I have come to realize that even though he has all of these positives it was good character that he lacked overall.
My healing mostly comes from the fact that even if he begged, I would not take him back.
I can not be friends with someone who has poor character, let alone be living with and married to one.
Acceptance Is Not The Same As Forgiveness:
It is important to know that just because we can accept the way another person has treated us that does not mean we have forgiven them.
Forgiving is important, yes, but sometimes it is just not possible to forgive everything.
Don’t feel weak by having acceptance.
It’s not a justification of being mistreated.
It is, however, realizing it was not all horrible.
That means you can forgive yourself for allowing a person who would treat you poorly at times in your life.
It’s allowing ourselves to understand why we missed the red flags, ignored them, or let them go.
There Are Some Exceptions To This Rule:
Never is it okay to allow someone to physically harm you.
Emotional abuse is bad enough and can be extremely damaging!
Physical abuse, however, can lead to your death and should be reported immediately!
GET HELP HERE IF YOU ARE PHYSICALLY OR SEXUALLY ABUSED!
Sometimes a marriage just can’t be saved but without communication, there is little chance of survival.
I am a communicator … to a fault.
He is a keep it to himself person total shutdown lockdown.
It was never a case of opposites complimenting or balancing each other.
I wanted him to talk.
He wanted me to shut up.
That’s just one example of the negative whole.
But you see, there are wonderful things and then the things that broke it all apart.
Finding that balance is key because life is a juggling act.
We need to find the balance to stay healthy.
Finding balance for healing is crucial to what could be the sixth stage of healing through a breakup.
That sixth stage would be forgiveness.
As I said, it’s not always possible.
For me, I have forgiven many of the wrongs that were done to me but not all.
Yet as I recently told him in a text…
“I have no issues with you personally but I don’t care for who you are as in your character as a person.”
Yes, I could have worded that better but you know how texting goes.
It’s rather sloppy and I am not a fan of texting when dealing with important issues.
What I meant was (and I think he got the point) I am fine with whatever he is doing in his life now.
I do not want to argue with him or go back to where we were.
It does not matter to me what he does, where he goes, who he is with.
He is, more or less, not important in my life.
Yet it does sadden me that he will ask about our pets but always cancels when it’s time to come visit them.
It’s a lot like having children when you truly love your pets like family.
But alas, that goes toward his character.
If it were not for some financial agreements we have, and the pets, there would be no need to communicate at all.
When it comes to healing we need to stay focused on what truly matters.
What is most valuable for self.
Being nitpicky helps no one and will not bring forth healing.
Not to say being nitpicky never happens but the anger stage is when that stuff usually comes out.
Healing comes when we deal with things properly and since he was chatty that day I figured it would be a good time to communicate a little.
He is rarely chatty about anything remotely serious so I decided to take advantage of my little window of opportunity.
It is important to know however, I did this for me, not for him.
Saying this was empowering for me and solidified my direction in life.
To be fierce we have to heal, we have to grow, we have to move forward.
Never say anything that could be taking a step backward.
Sit on your thoughts for awhile.
Say what you mean, mean what you say as the old adage goes.
Beverly D. Flaxington explains this well in her article on Psychology Today.
It’s not a skill we are always taught properly as children.
Especially when parents set boundaries for their kids and do not stand firmly by them.
I have been guilty of this myself as a parent and have also been guilty of it in my marriage.
We can’t fault certain personality types of taking advantage of us when we allow ourselves to be taken advantage of.
Well, we can but perhaps we shouldn’t.
Psychology is intricate.
The human mind is complexing!
I sometimes think that it is amazing we have survived as a species.
Finding that one person we can love, trust, and be absolutely happy with for an entire lifetime is precious.
I am always so impressed with couples who hit the 50-year mark or beyond.
Heck, even 25 years is amazing!
I was so proud of an upcoming ten year anniversary and by the time it comes we may still be legally married but that would be it.
I think sometimes the easiest way to forgive is to realize people are always evolving and changing.
At least we hope for change in a positive direction.
Change is much better than stagnation or repetition.
To understand and accept that the complexity of the human mind triggers every action, every truth, every lie.
While our upbringing and experiences matter, it is our brain that processes each thing and turns our thoughts into action.
We may have a mental or physical illness that plays a factor.
There may be DNA that isn’t quite right.
The ability to have empathy, to express emotion, to put thoughts into words, it’s all just mind-boggling in and of itself.
People’s actions towards us, their words, their efforts or lack thereof are all a part of the way the mind puts the collective whole into focus and thus action.
And mostly, it helps to realize each of us, myself included are far from perfect.
There is another element that I believe matters and that is what’s in the soul.
I believe that while the brain is a powerful thing indeed, our souls have a lot to do with who we are, what we do, how we act, and how we treat others.
There comes a time when you have to let go of how you were raised, where you are from if you came from money or not.
A time when you stop blaming others such as your parents.
When you stop making excuses and just take responsibility for yourself and what you put out into the world.
What we put out into the world is more often than not what we get back from it.
That does not mean an abused woman “deserved” what she got.
It just means that we need to step back and start listening to our gut more often.
Hear the messages our soul is sending us.
Your soul wants you to heal.
If you have to forgive for that to happen, then forgive and let the healing begin.
Healing is a bit different for each of us but it is my hopes that I have given you some hearty meat to chew on here.
Stagnation Is Self-Abdication.
When you do not move forward you are relinquishing your life to the past.
You are resigning from self.
Removing yourself for any responsibility of placing a claim on you and your own future.
When you remain stagnant in the past you are handing over all of your power to the person who broke your heart.
Avoidance of facing your fears, your pain, your anger, your resentment, and your healing is only hurting yourself.
Repeating the same mistakes is a fast track to insanity.
Embrace your pain so that you can learn from it.
Take time to truly heal before starting a new path.
I have learned from my experience with this marriage and will not be repeating the same path.
While I did get on a dating site a bit too soon after he left I do not regret it.
I was more curious than anything since he was on a dating site himself.
That was a bit childish but it was interesting, entertaining, and I know now not to bother with one again.
Then again, if I get really bored, I might.
It’s my life, and I will do what I want with it.
Being single has a lot of perks especially since my kids are grown and living independently.
I may never remarry although I will most likely settle down with one man at some point.
There is something to be said for having that one special person to travel with and enjoy life with.
I will have fun whatever path I take.
Here’s to your healing and moving forward too!
I love hearing your thoughts. Leave me a comment!
What are your best tips for healing?
Have you ever been through a divorce or a breakup?
Do you believe we must forgive to heal?
What are your thoughts on this article?