Many people have endured bad relationships. Relationships that leave them reeling with pain, self-doubt, insecurity, and sometimes downright self-loathing. Others perhaps were raised in a way that they felt overshadowed, possibly ignored. Sometimes it is just part of one’s nature to accept “less than” when it comes to how they are treated by others. This is why sometimes when they are treated well they are not sure how to accept it and in some cases, it can make them feel uncomfortable.
Being Treated Well And Things That Make You Uncomfortable:
Being Treated Well With Compliments:
It isn’t that people do not want to feel good and receive compliments.
It’s more that when this happens they do not know how to take it so they become uncomfortable.
They may not even believe you truly mean what you say.
It is likely this person has not been treated so well in their past.
They may have been degraded by a narcissistic personality in their lives.
Emotional abuse cuts deep and people can be programmed to believe they are lesser than over time.
When someone has been emotionally wrecked they put up their guards instantly when someone is kind to them.
These people have a very difficult time trusting their own judgment when it comes to others.
When you are kind to them they instantly think you have an angle you are playing on them.
It’s a knee-jerk survival reaction.
In a recent tweet, I said that learning to trust oneself is the key to learning to trust another.
This is so very true!
Being Treated Well With Nice Gestures:
This can be a really difficult one for some people, especially those who have a giver personality.
I found myself unsure of how to take a nice gesture recently.
My neighbor had snuck over and mowed my lawn for me while I was out.
No, my lawn was not out of control, he did not do this because someone had to.
He had just recently retired and has a lot of spare time on his hands.
My instant reaction was wondering what I could do in return.
I spoke to him and he wanted nothing.
I tried to dig for info to see if he liked beer, coffee, or wanted a home-cooked meal.
He just smiled and said he enjoyed doing it.
My friends joked saying maybe he was looking for sex or something else since I am single but that was in jest, he is just a really nice guy.
The thing is, there are good people in the world.
People who like to help others with no expectations in return.
Learning to accept kind gestures gracefully is something I clearly need to work on as I am sure others can relate to.
Being Treated Well With Communication:
Communication is the most important aspect of any relationship if you ask me.
To me, being honest, forthright, and fully disclosing emotions is key.
When someone has been in any kind of relationship, romantic or in their family, where communication does not exist they are damaged.
Many people have been involved with habitual liars which adds insult to injury.
Sometimes they can never be sure if the truth you are speaking really is the truth.
They have been programmed to always look between the lines of what you communicate.
Always seeking the grey areas left unsaid.
They are waiting for the other shoe to drop so to speak.
This limits them in many ways when it comes to their own communication with you, let alone their ability to trust.
Once again their guard flys up and being able to break through it can be near impossible.
How To Be With Someone Who Has Been Treated Bad:
This article is written for people on both sides of this tattered fence.
If you are the person who lacks trust in relationships or the person trying to be with someone who has been mistreated, please read on…
Consistency Is Necessary When Someone Has Been Treated Bad:
Keep being the good person that you are.
When you attempt to make someone who has been mistreated feel good they are apt to put that guard up.
Sometimes they will simply shy away but sometimes they will run.
This is because they are not used to being treated well!
However, if they are truly worth it to you, you can keep them in your life.
Trust me, these people are generally very kind souls who only want to love and be loved.
Most of them are well worth the added effort.
Just stay in there!
If a romantic relationship is at stake, chase a little!
Keep in mind that these hurt souls have been in relationships where they have had to do all of the work!
Be consistent about your promises.
Make plans and follow through.
Be the person you say you are and don’t do a 180 once you feel you have them safely sealed into your life.
Don’t make them feel they are optional or secondary to everything else you have going on.
As the saying goes, we make time for what is important to us.
If you want them in your life, it is your responsibility to put them in it.
Don’t make them fight for it!
I am sure you have seen this meme, or a variation of it floating around the interwebz:
There is so much truth to this.
No one should have to be wondering what they mean to you.
If and when you will get together again.
That is why making plans and following through is crucial.
When you come forth by picking up a good portion of the load, they learn to trust you.
Which brings me to trust…
When Someone Has been Treated Poorly Honesty Is Everything:
Damaged individuals are not wimps.
In fact, they are some of the strongest people in the world!
They have been knocked down, had the wind taken out of their sails, yet they continue to get up and fight.
Often taken advantage of but always knowing they helped someone else makes it worth it to them.
They give and they give getting very little in return.
Yes, they are frequently taken advantage of this is true, but they are not chumps.
They can sniff out a liar a mile away and have a keen intuition.
In kind, they can tell when you are trying your best.
The sad part is often this type of person will make excuses for you.
Acknowledging the fact that you have been busy, or have had many life changes, or whatever other validation they can claim on your behalf.
Don’t let this fool you though, they still see through you.
Yet, they see some value in keeping you in their lives for some reason.
Just be very upfront and honest with the people in your life and your life will be much better too.
Telling someone a lie because you think it is what they want to hear says volumes about who you are and does no good for the other person.
It’s a selfish act and the other person, even when damaged can handle your truth.
They need your truth.
The Reality Of Being With Someone Who Has Been Treated Bad:
So it sounds like a lot of work to undo the damage done to these people by another.
Maybe, but maybe it’s worth it!
You put them in your life for some reason.
If your reasons where virtuous then you should stick it out and see just how richly you may be rewarded.
You just may find that they are the best person to have by your side that you could ask for.
The type of person who can in fact, accept all of you, including your own damage!
Let’s face it, no one is perfect and it sure is nice to be able to be totally open and honest with someone and find that they still care for you.
Give it a try!
In the case that you are the damaged person reading this right now, remember…
Don’t carry your baggage into a new relationship too far.
Yes, you have been wronged in many ways, possibly many times, but not by this specific person.
You have to give them a fair chance too!
Granted we can never simply drop all of our past pains, we carry our baggage forever but we can learn from it and use it to an advantage rather than a disadvantage.
Let the new person know your expectations!
If we do not set forth what we need clearly how can we expect the other person to live up to what we want?
Use my suggestions as a guide and develop your own “Must Have” relationship items.
This serves as a roadmap to a healthier and happier relationship.
Don’t go overboard.
No one should be expected to check in every hour or live by hard fast rules.
Even if your ex gave you a good reason for hourly check-ins the new person does not deserve the punishment for your ex’s crimes.
Ask for what you expect within reason and logic.
Personally, I expect consistency, planned dates, non-planned when we are both free, and 100% honesty.
I can take or leave compliments, which should come naturally anyway if you are not dating a jerk.
At the same time, I refuse to sit idle waiting with my phone in hopes of plans that may or may not be forthcoming.
Doing this builds up angst and animosity which is unfair to both of you.
Whether you are the person who has been treated bad, or the person in a relationship with someone who has been treated badly you both need to relax.
Remember we all have our source of “crazy”, our personal baggage, issues, and needs.
We need a fair and balanced playing field to build something positive on.
If you are the person who has been wronged in the past don’t hold it against the new person in your life.
It is not their job to make up for what you endured.
Guage the new person in your life based on the needs you establish in the here and now.
Then just sit back and see if they have that to offer or not.
If you are with a person who has been damaged just live up to the expectations you established with them.
It’s that simple.
The one thing anyone needs to know, regardless of which side you are on, is that there must be established expectations.
This is true in any healthy relationship.
From if you are exclusive to how often you will hang out together.
Doing this will solve many issues new couples face and both parties will know that they are being treated well.